20260827 Purpose + intellectual life

The past month has been a blur, but I think it’s time to check in.

I had a bug for a few days, and then I had a few days off work that ended up not being relaxing but busy due to family events and my Nan breaking her hip. She’s fine, thankfully. This is her second hip replacement, her first one being about 15 years ago; these days she’s practically bionic.

Hospital visit car journeys meant extremely rare one-on-one time with my siblings. I took the opportunity to ask about their future family plans. I already knew my sister plans to have kids at some point (she’s a decade younger); I had never been sure about my brother, but it turns out that he and his girlfriend are already trying (they’ve only just been together 2 years; this seems fast to me, but then I’m cautious with massive life-altering commitments!).

My first reaction to this was huge relief. If they can procreate (fertility pending), then that will lift some of the burden of guilt I feel that my parents don’t have any grandchildren, and I have no intention of providing them. I was even a bit excited about the idea of a niece or nephew. Maybe being an aunt could be fun.

Then, naturally, the dark clouds of anxiety descended.

Kids that will change the family dynamic forever. I’ve already been the one who receives the least attention (the eldest), and when I do spend time with parents, we just never seem to be able to find common ground. Based on the experience of childfree friends (and even those with the kids), this will be exacerbated with new, cuter editions that don’t come with a lifetime of awkward emotional baggage.

I had a bit of an existential spiral for a couple of days over this, but I was quite glad to get the heads-up so I could mentally prepare and then hopefully just be excited about it when it happens (yep, that’s definitely how my brain works).

Anyway, ruminating on how, as The Childfree One, I could just completely fade from existence within my family brought me back to another topic I’d been circling before all this came up:

What is my Purpose? What are the things that get me excited about life? Where do I find meaning? *

Intellectual life 🧐

I’ve been feeling really invigorated this year since devoting more time and effort to close reading, exposure to new topics, reading LRB, and using pen and paper to explore my own thoughts.

My brain feels healthier, I feel smarter, I have more ideas, and I feel excited about it.

I find myself spending my free time trying to pull a literary analysis out of novels I read, and then writing it up for this blog for fun. I find it really rewarding, weird as that sounds. When people ask me what I did at the weekend, I can never bring myself to say:

“writing a 3,000 word book review and commentary on a sci-fi novel from 1965, for my blog that maybe 1 or 2 other people might read all the way through.”

But that is My Truth!

I loved this video, Rebuilding an Intellectual Life by Cinzia at Lady of the Library from a few weeks ago, and it really got me fired up about this! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one; there are others in her comments!

What I am finding myself looking forward to in the future is more time to read and study. I look forward to understanding myself more, where my place in the world is, and why humans are so ridiculous.

I also want to explore my own creativity, especially as I unlock new points of view. I want to make more embroidery art, get better at drawing, paint more, and maybe even start fiction writing (when I retire, perhaps).

I also still feel like I’ve not found My People. I know there are other literary nerds out there; I need to find them. I want to meet people whose eyes actually light up when I talk about a book instead of dimming. That might feel nice.

I think I need to get back on the hunt for an IRL book club. Or I am toying with the idea of setting one up on Discord, perhaps. Requires more thought.

What else?

Watched The Miniature Wife, really enjoyed it! Matthew McFadden and Elizabeth Banks were great, and I like how messy the characters were.
Watched The Paper (the successor to The Office (US)) and thought it was good! It’s pretty gentle, and still getting going, but I absolutely loved Domhnall Gleeson in it (new character crush) and Tim Key!
I’ve been playing Blue Prince on Steam, which is why I’ve not posted for a while! I love and hate this game; every time I get close to giving up on it because it’s a huge waste of my time, it lets me get a little bit further…
I had a mad whim to start microblogging again, so for now I’m more active on Mastodon again, and I’m even trying out Bluesky. I find Mastodon to be dominated by tech types, which isn’t really my thing, and I think I can probably find more literary publications and that kind of thing on Bluesky, I hope.
I successfully managed two pretty even Dutch braids on my own head, for the first time. I think I like Dutch for two braids but French for one.
Subscribed to the LRB Close Readings podcast (50% off for summer) because I haven’t given myself enough “homework.” So now I’m trying to find a couple of hours a week to sit down with a notebook and listen to that. I am loving it but also… why do I do this to myself?
Fairly sure we have subsidence in our house because of clay soil and 2 months of drought. The home insurance surveyor is coming out next week, so we shall see.
In the last 2 days I’ve gotten increasingly obsessed with the idea of making zines. I don’t know where this has come from, but it is a powerful urge.
I may have given up on keeping up an embroidery blog for now, but I have kept up my weekly Stitch n’ Bitch sessions at the pub (with 2 bitches), and I am close to finishing a project (my wedding bouquet), which I will share when complete.