⭐⭐⭐ 3/5 Stars – An interesting topic but felt a bit too American, and focused on research findings rather than actionable advice. Her later books are probably a better starting point.
Format: Kindle
Read: Feb 2024
I’ve been drifting into thinking about shame and vulnerability over the last few months.
Shame is an interesting topic, one that causes intense pain and as such we want to avoid focusing on it in ourselves or others. It prevents us from connecting with others, when in fact connection is the antidote to shame.
One reason shame is so powerful is its ability to make us feel alone. Like we are the only one or somehow we’re different from everyone else.
Page 9
I’d heard of Brené Brown through various podcasters, so I stuck a few of her books on my Amazon Kindle book watch list. This one came on for £1.49 so it seemed worth a go.
It might not have been the best place to start as I think her later, better known, books are a bit less research focused. This one is her second book so quite early in her work, and she presents what she has learnt through her research and interviews with participants. It is entirely focused on women and shame, but in the final chapter she does mention men and their very different experiences of shame, and her plans to research that in the future.
Guilt versus Shame
To discuss Brené’s work it is necessary to drawn a clean distinction between the often conflated feelings of shame, guilt and humiliation. I have seen reviewers where people struggle to separate guilt and shame in particular (these do tend to be the types who might describe another person as “shameless” in the negative sense).
Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.
Page 13
She acknowledges that guilt and shame can be necessary and productive in certain situations, but shame can be profoundly damaging to self-confidence, self-esteem, creativity, productivity and relationships and should not be used a primary tool of motivation. She is not advocating for getting rid of shame, but rather to develop tools for shame resilience. To be able to recognise when we experience shame, how we can cope and move past it, and not let it be a damaging force.
Shame is cultural, and this is very American shame
While there are definitely plenty of universal triggers (physical appearance, motherhood, sex, navigating friendships in your early tweens etc) shame is also very cultural. I found most of her examples anecdotes to be very US American, which is understandable because that’s the culture that she and her research participants live in. But, as a non-religious English person I couldn’t relate to all the examples of church groups, suburban life, PTA mothers, and the way shame is used in school and the workplace.
It’s not quite the same the UK. We don’t have the general air of competition in all things that the USA does. At school we don’t get ranked and pitted against each other (unless maybe you go to a super posh boarding school). As a woman at least, I don’t feel like we have a pervasive “winners v losers” mentality. I think you can see that in how different our competition reality TV shows are to the American ones! (The Great British Bake Off being a prime example!).
Of course we definitely have our own culture of shame, at the moment I’m struggling to pin point it but it’ll be something I’ll be on the lookout for in my life now. It is primarily class based I think, and that whole keep calm and carry on idea, stiff upper lip avoiding emotional vulnerability etc.
Social anxiety
This quote about anxiety getting in the way of compassion and empathy did strike a cord.
The pressure “to get it right” or to “say the perfect thing” can be the biggest barrier to empathy and compassion. We start to experience anxiety about saying the right thing and before we know it, we’ve missed the opportunity to be empathic and compassionate.
Page 56
Social anxiety issues are a fear of shame. I won’t say the right thing, or I’ll say something stupid or insensitive. I won’t be able to articulate my thoughts effectively. I won’t have the right answer or I’ll ask a stupid question and feel shame when the answer is something I should have known. etc etc etc
And this experience relayed by one of her research participates is exactly how I feel if ever politics come up with my family (my parents, aunt and Grandparents lean more Conservative/Tory – typically tricky topics are Brexit ,immigration, refugees etc).
I watch the news and read the newspaper. I’m very interested in politics and what’s going on in the world. I try to think through my opinions and my positions before I talk about them, but invariably, I screw up. I get nervous when someone disagrees with me or challenges my facts. Sometimes I react by shutting down and sometimes, if I really feel backed into a corner, I get louder and more emotional. Either way, I look stupid. I hate it. Why do I have to practice? Why can’t I just say what’s on my mind?
Page 244
I can still clearly recall the feeling of shame over failure to argue my points when I got riled up about a rather racist conversation that started about Albanian asylum seekers last year at a Sunday family dinner. I generally try to stay out of those but for some reason that day the lack of any compassion in the conversation (and clear regurgitation of Conservative leaning headlines) really got to me and I’d opened my mouth before my brain could stop me. I couldn’t sleep for a couple of nights after that. I just felt so stupid that I couldn’t articulate myself.
But, what about the shame of being childfree?
The book is also packed with examples of mothers, in fact this makes up most of it (Brené is a mother). While I do understand why that was so much of the focus, there were only a few sentences in a single anecdote about the shame struggle of child free woman. This had the curious effect of making me feel shame because it felt like I was being excluded as a woman because I am not a mother, and that is actually another well of shame that would have expected to have had more inclusion.
It did help me recognise that being childfree (by choice) is one of my shame triggers. It’s something that I think is getting harder as I’m nearing the end of my reproductive years, and many of my friends have children now so it’s difficult to relate to their lives. Maybe I’ll talk about this more at some point. It’s a very complicated topic (perhaps one Brené can’t grasp).
And how can I work on this?
I have found this book interesting in that respect, but I don’t really know how to put into practice her advice on moving past shame. Much of it hinges on being more open and vulnerable with others, but that itself can be a delicate line to walk. I would say even more so as an English person, we generally don’t like to talk about feelings (especially in my family). Even if I wanted to share and talk about my shame topics with those close to me, it’s not always so easy to find someone willing to listen.
If you are interested in this subject I have found Brené to be engaging, the book is easy to read through but I don’t think this one is the best place to start unless you’re really wanting a deep dive into her early work. I have found all her books are on audio on Spotify so I’m going to try Dearing Greatly next, and see what she has to say about actually practicing vulnerability.
Overall I found this book accessible even if it uses anecdotes that feel very specific and unrelated to my own life.
REVIEW SUMMARY
I LIKED
- Developing shame resilience is worth examining.
- Illuminated where I run up against shame in my life.
- It’s an easy read.
I DIDN’T LIKE
- Very US American.
- Much discussion of the struggle of mothers and shame, with the child free shame barely referenced. This triggered a degree of shame in me.
- Not sure how I can action on the findings in this book.
