I have a body. You probably have a body too, so you’ll know what that’s like.
To have existed in a female body comes with an extra layer, or five, of societal shit to deal with.
And I’m a CIS woman, I can’t imagine what it’s like if you’re transgender.
On the basic biological level a female body comes with the head fuck that is the monthly hormone rollercoaster, but if that isn’t stressful enough The World also gives us an endless list of things to worry about from as soon as we are old enough to understand what we are.
As a woman, and by all accounts like every woman, I’ve never had an entirely happy relationship with my body but the last few years have been especially tough.
2020 brought a lot of changes in my life and lifestyle, and with it some weight gain that I’ve not shifted. I’ve only gone up a dress size, from a UK 8 to a 10, but that’s enough to feel uncomfortable and I feel like I don’t recognise myself. It’s especially tough when I look at photos from before March 2020 in comparison to those after.
At 36 I’m also old enough now to look at photos of myself from my twenties, when I was also always worried I wasn’t pretty or slim enough, and realise that, actually, I looked bloody amazing. What did I have to dislike?
Humans are so bad at appreciating what they have when they have it!
I would really like to lose the extra 3-5kg, but it’s proving difficult to click into the right mindset. I feel like I’ve got to much noise in my head about it.
Culturally it’s feeling like a fucking confusing time to be thinking about losing weight.
On the one hand there is the body neutrality movement (the successor to body positivity) which advocates for not thinking about your body in the positive or the negative, and just recognising that it is what it is.
Food should be for energy to do the things you need your body to do, and exercise is to feel good, and strong.
It had felt like there’s been a shift over the last few years in this direction. Some of my favourite podcasts discuss this topic (iWeigh, and Maintenance Phase especially), so I’ve absorbed a lot of this and I have found it helpful as an antidote to the diet and fitness culture “all or nothing” baked in failure loop.
But, having more awareness of the machinations of diet culture has also had the effect of making me feel shame for wanting to lose weight, especially as I’m not even in a large body. UK 10 is pretty average.
It makes me feel silly, or even guilty, for walking into the trap.
This feels worse now the media has decided that once again “thin is in” and the famous have gone mad for ozempic. Celebrities are looking more gaunt by the week (even more so given the ghoulish trend for buccal fat removal). I’m also seeing videos YouTubers commenting on the TikTok youth promoting increasing amounts of pro-ED content which I find very disturbing.
It’s feeling like a lot.
I’ve been wanting to get back to my pre-2020 size for a couple of years at this point but despite that I do find myself questioning if I’m being influenced by this new wave of shit?
I don’t think I am – I just want to feel more comfortable and have my clothes fit again, but I have the nagging thought that makes me want to resist.
This is one of the growing list of areas where I feel like the internet really complicates my life. Sometimes taking on too many ideas is bad for me, and leads to this kind of anxious stasis.
I want to try to lose a few kilos for my own sake, to feel better inside my own body and the neglected wardrobe of clothes I have. I don’t truly have any external pressure telling me I need to, certainly nobody in my life gives a shit if I weigh 65 or 60kg, except for me.
And even removing size from the conversation, I miss the feeling of having a fitter and stronger body, I’m so weak now! I used to be able to do pushups and hold decent shoulder stands. And I know as I get older I should be working more on maintaining strength to fend off future joint issues, and cognitive issues (as I learned when I wrote my reasons to exercise piece).
I would also like to feel good in a nice dress for whatever wedding and inevitable photographs we end with when we get married (hopefully next year). And again part of me thinks OMG cliche cringe over that, with a tiny impulse to resist it, but perhaps that’s the goal I need to motivate myself into action.
Maybe more on this to come.
I understand completely. I am fairly slim and if I mention that I have some belly fat I need to lose, it can open that door. But the thing is that I do, and I know that fat is the unhealthy kind. I miss being fit and I miss my middle being the same clothes size as the rest of me. I’ve been wanting to work on it for a few years, but it just feels like it will take more energy than I have. But I’m hoping it’s something I can target soon. Is it anything to do with what is in trend or does it have anything to do with what is considered politically correct in the moment? No! It’s about what feels healthy for me and my body and that’s it. I don’t use scales unless medical professionals make me, as for me it’s not about weight it’s about measurements, fitness, tone and strength.
So I vote that you do what you feel is right for you. What feels healthy to you? From what you have written, you want to be fitter. It’s not about deprivation and diet culture, it is instead about increasing your fitness, which comes with changes in body shape too. I don’t see anything wrong with that and no one should make you feel bad about wanting to make some changes.
Thanks Nic! My extra weight is mostly around my middle too, it’s always gone on my belly, and that is a pain for finding clothing that looks good on!
I do want to feel stronger and fitter again, but in my experience exercising rarely impacts my weight so it’s really I have two parallel goals. For which, I’ll have to do some kind of watching my diet but actually working on that feels like a whole other mental minefield 😅