I’m wearing my hair up to work today. This is only the third time I’ve ever done this in my life and when I get ready in the morning it still feels like I’m making a big decision.
I’ve spent my most of my life self-conscious about my protruding ears, and never wanted to draw any attention to them (I’ve also never had my ears pierced, though fear of needles is another factor in that!). They’re quite small but they stick out at right angles from my head. They’re family ears, my Dad has them and one of my cousins.
I don’t have a memory of when I first became aware that my ears were “not normal.” But I do remember seeing an episode of Children’s Hospital which featured a boy getting surgery to have his ears pinned back. I never knew that was something you could have done. I used to think about whether I’d want that done but my anxiety over hospitals, or even admitting to another person that it bothered me, would win out.
I do still some times think about that boy with his bandaged up head and the 6 weeks recovery period. Would my life have been different if my ears were flat to my head?
It would have been one less thing to be self-conscious about, but I always had low self-confidence and you’d have had to cross acne and big front teeth off the list too. The teeth, the ears, my timid nature and natural hair colour are an unfortunate mousey combination.
I was never bullied, but my own intense self-consciousness and anxiety was plenty. I’m a very shy person, and I hate attention so ears, acne and being the “farm girl” for whom the school bus had to make a special stop outside the village made for awkward school years (this is not a normal thing where I live, and if it was a new driver I’d always have to remind them to stop.. mortifying).
But then as I grew through adulthood I eventually realised that, like showing my flabby tummy in a bikini at the beach, nobody actually cares. Most people don’t notice and if they do they’re not thinking much about it.
Still, until my 30s I’d have my hair up for the gym (because hair down at the gym is both weird and sweaty) but never if I was Going Out or at work, really anywhere with people I knew and would see regularly. This meant a lot of careful blow dying and hair straightening to cover my ears. I’d also never tuck my hair behind them and leave them fully exposed.
Then 2020 came around, I started working from home (with no camera), I didn’t have to go out the house or see anyone. My hair got longer and I also discovered it’s naturally wavy; this opened up a new world of hair options for me! Then I got a long bob and my full fringe cut back in and I started to think I looked nice, even more interesting, with my hair tucked behind my ears.
I think that change in routine just allowed me to get more used to seeing myself with my hair up and I’ve just forgot about feeling self-conscious!
These days if I’m home my hair is probably up, because otherwise I constantly fiddle with it (I’m a hair twirler). And that includes “to work” in Teams meetings with video. That was something to initially get over, but feeling comfortable in video calls is a whole other topic!
I have also, more and more, been going out and about with it up! Some of my friends had never seen my hair up until very recently. This also includes on holiday and times when I might be photographed. My hair is up in every (sweaty) picture from our 2022 Florida holiday!
Incredibly some of my favourite photos of myself in recent years are ones with my hair up.
And you know, I don’t even notice my ears now. They don’t occupy my mind.
I think now that I look good, maybe even better with my hair away from my face!
And ponytails are fun to swish around, I like the feeling when it bounces as I walk, and it turns out I can get excited about hair accessories.
Maybe this is just getting older, the “fuck it” attitude to how I may measure up the whatever the fuck beauty standards grow with each year. Life is too short for worrying if other people think anything about the fact that my ears that stick out stick out.
And in any case beauty is more interesting with imperfections, it’s what makes us individual.
Would I recognise myself if I didn’t have my ears? When I was younger I’d hold them to my head with my fingers to see how it looked, but when I do that now I just look strange…
