Anxiety Hangover: Quiet Voices (Christmas Party 2024)

Last year was my first proper work Christmas party and I wrote a post reflecting on the experience. Lessons were learned, but it was an achievement.

This year I was a little more excited for the party because I’m more comfortable with the people in my team and also it was a sit down meal instead of an awkward milling about buffet thing where nobody was comfortable or got enough food.

I also didn’t go into the office to work for the day, I worked from home to conserve my social energy. That was an improvement but the trouble is I don’t think I’m built for large gatherings.

So here are my reflections on how this year’s work Christmas party went…

I did have an alright time but it was in a very loud restaurant. We were on a mezzanine so all the chatter of the packed restaurant below carried up and added to the noise from our two tables. Noisy environments make me instantly tired, and it’s hard to hear people even directly next to me. I have a very soft voice too so it’s also hard for the other people to hear when I speak, so after a while I tend to feel exhausted and defeated.

The other issue is that the seating was first come first serve as people arrived so we ended up with my team all split up at different ends of the table, and I was in a bit of an awkward group with a loud voiced guy from a different area of the businesses who drove the conversation to his interests, which were well out my realm of knowledge, to movies and gigs for bands I’ve never heard of.

I appreciate he was well intentioned and just trying to keep the chat going in a way that he could participate but I’d been wanting to talk with the people on my team that I don’t get to see in person very often, so for me it was a bit frustrating. Conversations between the four of us within earshot always quickly met dead ends, and as I was struggling to get my voice heard in the din I failed to steer conversation.

Now – two days hence – I have my usual post-social event anxiety hangover… where I have to try to ignore the pit in my stomach as my brain plays a highlight real of missed opportunities and stupid things I might have said or done, for the next few days.

I would love to try to work on my group social skills so I wouldn’t feel so incompetent in these situations, and I didn’t spend so much time post-event reflecting on my failure.

That way I’m seeing it I have two problems that feed each other.

1. My voice is too quiet, and it especially doesn’t carry in loud places.
2. I fall apart in group conversations because I lack the skills, and anxiety locks my brain up.

Why is my voice so quiet?

When I tried looking this up online I found a few of potential reasons for a soft voice.

• One is obviously genetics, and I do have a higher more “feminine” voice without many bass tones to cut through background noise.

• Physiological issues with vocal muscles restricting my voice, but I don’t think that’s it.
• I am a quiet person, I don’t talk a lot on an average day so I’m not an experienced speaker… Despite being able to talk for something like 35 years!
• Not speaking with enough air from my lungs, which does make more sense because I never feel any power in voice. I am subconsciously restricting my voice due to thanks to all the symptoms of my anxiety – increased heart rate, shallower breathing, with the intense self-consciousness etc

I definitely feel I find it easier to raise my voice one on one than I do in a group setting, which makes sense because I get far less anxiety in that situation. When I do get the attention of a group of people I find that intensely uncomfortable, my nerves ratchet up, I often feel my face go red (which it definitely was in the hot restaurant after two sips of wine!) and tend to speed up talking or even trail off the end of the sentence. This makes me harder to hear, is awkward for everyone involved, and I get into that negative feedback loop until it’s Game Over and I shut down.

It’s even worse when I’m speaking with someone for the first time in a group, and then I’m worrying that I’m immediately making a poor impression and I get dismissed as “that quiet girl.”

I always wish before any larger gathering there could almost be like a speed dating one-on-one for everyone to get to know each other a bit before you have to intermingle. Then people might know I’m not a complete weirdo if you talk to me alone in a quiet place! Plus I often find people act differently in groups to what they do individually, and I’m yet to know anyone whose group personality I prefer.

I’ve read time and time again that, as prescribed by CBT, the only way to stop the anxiety symptoms is to push through them and expose myself to speaking in groups more. When often people in groups are meeting in noisy places and I can’t get my voice to be heard – partly because of my anxiety! – that’s a very difficult obstacle to overcome.

Another hurdle is that I rarely find I have much interest in group conversations I find myself party to, so there isn’t a lot of incentive to push myself into it. General discussions at mixed social events at work tend to be small talk about sports (might as well be a foreign language), children (don’t have or want any), shared past experiences that I don’t have, or music (not my thing).

Or if there is a topic I want to say anything on usually by the time there is a gap, so I don’t have to interrupt someone, somebody else has changed it and it’s too late.

I will say this experience has again highlighted that deciding to elope and not do a big wedding event is 1000% the right choice for us! Imagine feeling this way after my own wedding?!

Once again I’m back to considering how I can find social groups with shared interests that I might more easily engage with. I think that would have to be a craft group or a book club but I am struggling to find any that meet in person locally.

At the same time my work Christmas party was happening my partner was at his. He works for a much larger company with a bigger budget so they had hired a venue with games to play. He had a great time with all the activities, instead of sitting about trying to make conversation. That would have been more fun and an easier time for me I think! Something that isn’t sitting avoiding eye contact in awkward silences while someone desperately tries to dredge up something to talk about!

Eventually this anxiety hangover will run it’s course and I can just feel happy I survived the party. Writing this all out has lifted a bit of it (still got the palpitations though!). I guess I am weakened from a stressful week of work, not much sleep, the party followed by two hours interviewing a candidate to replace my colleague (first time I’ve interviewed someone!) and another small work lunch with three of my team (in another very loud restaurant) which felt like a mini repeat of the night before.

There are a lot of social interactions for the anxiety monster to feed on from the past 2 days alone.

It’s been a fucking intense week!