Hello there, it’s November now and the clocks have changed and it is getting dark by 4pm, plus the weather has just been relentlessly grey, and I think I’m having my annual seasonal struggle. I’ve felt pretty low for the past few weeks, and I’m tired of it.
I’ve felt a background level of pervasive anxiety for a few weeks which I guess was kicked off by us both getting COVID and missing half our holiday. Honestly, that felt like a very long two weeks. Then I had an extremely stressful two days back at work when my laptop decided to pack up (it’s been a while since I’ve seen the BSOD!). It got sorted but it was not the best way to come back after a week off, I did not feel rested or restored!
Bad news waves
I’ve also had a little wave of sad news. It seems our bathroom renovation probably won’t happen now until February as our fitter/cousin is having a minor operation soon and that’s going to throw his schedule out. That’s fine, I hope he’s OK, but it is very disappointing. We were meant to get this done in September and our garage and utility room are full of bathroom fittings and tiles.
Our favourite board game café has suddenly closed, rather out the blue since there were no signs it was struggling. We were there are few weeks ago and it was as busy as usual. This is a real shame, we found out a couple of weeks ago and I still feel sad about it. As a couple, we’ve had a lot of lovely dates there and it was the main place we’d go to get us out of the house (this just leaves the Waterstones café!). It’s where I first met my fiancés’ parents, and we’ve had great times there with his family (introducing them to Ticket to Ride was wild) and his friends. Even before we met I’d spent time there with friends or Meet Up groups. At least there still is another board game café in the city centre, but it’s not as nice as this one was.
And then for a third blow, I found out this week that the colleague I had gotten to know the best is leaving, and in just a few weeks. She was the only person on my team who regularly goes into the physical office, and since she has the desk next to mine is by far the person I made the most progress with chit-chatting and getting to know outside of just talking about work stuff. I don’t think we quite clicked enough to parlay a hang-out outside-of-work friendship, but I had hoped over time that might happen. Spending Fridays in the office chatting with her was something to look forward to when I had to get up earlier for my commute, and she was the one who would instigate the occasional after-work pint. I hope that that is something that can still happen. She’ll also definitely be missed within my work team and is going to leave a big gap. Without her, and with someone new coming in, the team dynamic is going to be shaken up and I need to try to stay optimistic about it (I suppose there is a very tiny chance a new recruit could be in my city and a new friend).
This has made me think again about my social needs. For the last year, this new job with the team, and the hybrid working, has provided the boost I needed but I suspect the social element in the office is going to wither. While everyone there is lovely I still lack real friendship, I still wish I had people around whom I share interests with and a truer connection. I wish I knew how to find those people in my local area!
Oh yeah and also there was the US election result which honestly I am trying hard to avoid thinking too much about. I might be in the UK, but unfortunately whatever happens in the USA does affect everyone else in the world and Trump being elected speaks to what feels like an increasingly dark trend towards division and open hatred, that demonstrates a lack of empathy or critical thinking. I find this very difficult to understand and it’s very disturbing, especially as this movement seems to be picking up speed. At least in the UK, we voted out our Conservative government so hopefully, the next few years won’t be as bad as they could have been.
Anyway, as soon as I saw the result I decided I needed to stay off social media. For now, I don’t want any noise, so I’ve deleted Reddit, and I’ll be avoiding Mastodon, Instagram and YouTube. I also made the mistake this week of reading “reviews” and YouTube comments for Dragon Age Veil Guard, and I just can’t. The internet just makes me feel tired and hopeless these days.
Blogs are OK though, people don’t seem to scream and shout in this corner of the blogosphere! I feel safer in my own quiet little space over here.
Home alone
The final downer is that my fiancé is away for a week so it is just me and the cats in the house, and even on day 1 it feels very quiet! Since we started living together it feels very strange when one of us is away. It’s only a week though and he’ll have a great time playing board games all week with his friends (I do get invited to this annual trip but intensively playing board games every day for a week sounds terrible!).
On the plus side, it is a little bit of freedom to do whatever I want! I’m currently thinking I’ll use the time this weekend to catch up on blog posts and continue working on my stack of Christmas embroidery patterns (I’m slowly forming a plan over what to do with them). But I also have a lot of scrapbooking I could do, or I could finally do some minor DIY chores like resealing the windows in my office, or I could finally start listing old clothes for sale on Vinted.. or I could do some gardening jobs. Or play Horizon Forbidden West which I’ve not touched in months at this point! Or just read, or just watch TV and movies (I have Netflix again for a month).
I can also eat whatever I want to this week. I could try some new recipes out. I could get a takeaway, one that my fussy fiancé doesn’t like so I rarely have (maybe a curry).
So many options!
I just know I’ll feel better if I can focus on the world around me and I make something.
10 Good Things
Since half this post was pretty negative, I want to end with one of my lists of GOOD THINGS I am so grateful for especially when it feels like there is a lot of chaos swirling outside of my control.
1. I’ll start with my personal silver lining in the US election result. We had been toying with the idea of eloping to New York or Orlando, but I wanted to see what the outcome of the election was going to bring, and I’m sorry America but I don’t feel like visiting you any time soon (especially not for our wedding)! The GOOD bit is that removing that option gave us more focus and I think our favourite idea now is to go up to Gretna Green in Scotland, which still should be fun and special, and means it’ll be easier for our immediate family to come. I might post thoughts on weddings soon.
2.The Murderbot Diaries continue to bring me joy! I love these audiobooks. I just finished Network Effect and I’ll be onto the next one today!
3. I’ve been working through a stack of Christmas embroidery kits I’ve ended up with unused from four years of Love Embroidery magazine subscriptions. After working on The Cat Portrait for nearly 5 months it is actually really nice to do something simple and easy, and I forgot how addictive embroidery can be. I’ve already done a little robin and a gingerbread house, and I’m now working on some felt Christmas tree decorations.
4. Speaking of, I got The Cat Portrait finished and I’m so thrilled! It’s up on the wall and I keep looking at it, I am really proud of how well it turned out in the end.
5. I made this amazing cabbage soup from a recipe I found a few years ago at Simply Recipes. I hadn’t made this in quite a long time and it is so good. It blows my mind how good it is with so few ingredients, so much flavour and it’s cheap to make and healthy! I tend to beef it up with some carrots and tinned butter beans or cannelloni beans for protein. I’ve had this every day for my lunch with some buttered toasted seeded bread, delicious!
7. I was thinking the other day about how much better I am at dealing with negative feelings now than when I was younger. I think it is something that comes with age but now I know if I get a jolt of anxiety, shame or envy I don’t have to react to it or do anything with it. I can just register the feeling and let it be there, and most of the time it’ll pass by and when it does I might find something positive left behind. I also now know that often those feelings will feel heightened, or linger now, just because of hormones in my menstrual cycle not because the thing is worse in any way.
6. While I’m trying to avoid social media I’ve been reading comics again with Marvel Unlimited on my app. Issues are so short I can read one in about the time I’d have spent scrolling and my brain doesn’t feel as bad! I’ve got through the New Avengers (2010) now – which I found disappointing in the end – and I’ve now started the Jessica Jones series which I’m really enjoying, it feels like a proper return to her character, and the art, from the Alias days.
8. I do love our silly little cats. I love our little routines, and the way Kitler will look up and me and meow and hassle me when it gets to 9pm for bedtime reading time, and that she now loves it when I carry her around on my shoulder. And I love the way Valentine always runs into roll around in the warm spot when I get out of bed in the morning, and how she flops down onto the floor for belly rubs. I’m happy I have them to keep me company while I’m home alone!
9. Ages ago on a bit of a whim I ordered a bundle of 3 The Magic Puzzle Company series 2 jigsaws off Amazon (the only way to get them in the UK), the delivery time on them was so long I forgot about it it was a nice surprise when they arrived! I’ve just seen there is now a series 3 available, which is exciting! I got the series 1 when they had a Kickstarter a few years ago and absolutely loved them, so I’m looking forward to doing these new ones! We are rapidly running out of storage for all our jigsaws and games now though, at some point, we need to figure out better shelving!
10. I do have the most amazing fiancé who is so thoughtful and great at doing little romantic things to make me feel special. He left sticky notes all around the house before he left, it’s been fun to find them!
Getting sick and the slow recovery is enough to get everyone down, even without it cancelling holidays or other plans. I hope the recovery is going well.
When I’ve been wanting to meet people and build friendships, I have joined groups with similar interests. When I was living in the UK, I would go along to the fortnightly “meet and make” at my local craft store. Everyone would take along their knitting/crochet/embroidery/hand sewing and we’d have good chats. Usually much deeper much faster than other ways of meeting people. I used to wonder if it was in part because everyone is looking down at their work, work which is also inherently relaxing, that made people comfortable to talk. In my current town, I joined book club. I’ve made some good friends there, though there are some people that I only see at book club. And it has the bonus of getting me to read books I wouldn’t pick up on my own – some of them ones I’m very happy to have read.
Enjoy your week to yourself.
Thanks Nic! I have done Meet Up groups many years ago but they were never very successful. That includes a crafting one, it never got going (people wouldn’t show up) and then pandemic killed it.. but that was why I originally started doing embroidery so I got that out of it! I will have to see if there are any crafty groups around now.
I never used the “meet up” site/thing for these. I once used something like it for crafting, reading and hiking groups in the UK and it was a bit meh. And yes, petered out (or maybe I lost interest in going). I think it might have been “city socialising”. But the craft one being put on by the shop not individuals, made a big difference. Or maybe it was the location. And the book club I am in now is one organised by the local independent bookshop
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles, Alice. I get where you’re coming from with work especially. One of the factors which led me to quit teaching was losing my closest friends there. Those relationships at work really help you to enjoy that environment. So my fingers are crossed and I’m hopeful for you that the new recruit can be a new friend!
As to the election results…FUCK. As someone living in the US, it has been a hell of a week. I am angry and sad and scared and confused and all that. Just, fuck. I was hoping our election would’ve followed suit with yours, too! The only tiny silver lining I’ve found is the Orange Atrocity won by 2 million LESS votes than he got in 2020. So while I’m furious with all those progressive voters who didn’t turn out for Harris, at least his cult of influence isn’t growing. But the rest is heartbreaking.
At least it narrowed your wedding location choices to Scotland! That’s exciting! I was only in Scotland once but it was gorgeous. And that’s fun that more of your family may come! Also, I love how you balanced the struggles with things to be happy about in this post. I think that’s a brilliant approach to writing and something we should all strive for in life, too. We feel and honor all those feelings of sadness but also celebrate all the happiness.
I’m with you on the end of New Avengers, too. I was SO INTO IT at first. It was one of the best comics I ever read! Then, almost without warning, it seemed to shift and become…what’s the word? Flatter? Less engaging? Less interesting? I don’t know. But I was ready to move on. Enjoy the new Jessica Jones series! I’ll be excited to see what you think of it as it goes on!
So what’s your approach to Marvel Unlimited? Do you generally stay with one story / title / character as you read or do you have several comics and characters going at once? I ask because when I first got Marvel Unlimited I planned on doing the first…and that lasted for like a week and now I’m in the middle of dozens of stories across the decades XD.
Most important of all though, YOU FINISHED THE CAT PORTRAIT OH MY GOSH I LOVE IT SO MUCH AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I am going to go back and read that post later this afternoon. I can’t wait to see the whole story!
I hope you have some fun while you’re home alone! And keep enjoying finding those super cute notes your fiancé left for you! That made me smile :).
New Avengers had me thinking I’d lost it when it weirdly fully recycled the Normon Osborne fake Avengers plot! Hadn’t I already read this?! That was such an odd choice. It didn’t even add anything new.
Marvel Unlimited is a bit daunting since it’s got everything ever (pretty much). For now I decided I’ll focus on finishing the Jessica Jones title and then I’ll pick another character or team. Hard to know where to start.. I’ve never read any X-Men properly because there is just too much! We have some in our home library though so might pick something off the shelf!
Thanks, I am glad the cat portrait is finished. It took me so bloody long 😂
YES. Basically redoing the Norman Osborn plot was really frustrating. Once was clever and they had to go underground and all that. Okay, cool. That was interesting. But the second time with the fake Avengers? It was like the title was overstaying it’s welcome.
I like that approach! It’s such a fun way to go through it, picking a character or team and reading around them. I’ve been trying to work my way through Chris Claremont’s iconic run on X-Men for like five years now XD. I’m taking my time so I can enjoy it but also because trying to read from the mid-70s to the early ’90s in one go was too much for me.
I’ll be excited to see what you think about the rest of the Jessica Jones stories!
And, while I wasn’t the one who made it and I’m just looking at it, I’d say it was SO WORTH IT.