I Proposed! 💕

Yes, that’s right, I – me, Alice – timid, reserved, who has never shown any interest is marriage decided, completely independently, to propose to her partner! And like, just fucking did it… like it was easy. And it was easy!

In the immortal words of Nikki Graham, who is she?

This has really been one of those I’ve Come So Far experiences. I almost can’t believe I did it!

Mawwidge

I’ve never been really clear on what I think or feel about marriage before. I never envisioned myself as a “wife” and or have been able to imagine my wedding. Having a husband has just never been a goal.

When I first started seeing my partner I’d made sure to have an early doors conversation about my ambivalent feelings on marriage, and that I didn’t think I wanted children. We were in our early thirties so if kids were something he definitely wanted I didn’t want to be wasting mine or his time!

Now four wonderful years later we live in a home we own together and the merits of getting married for legal reasons has started to appeal to my Anxiety. If anything happens to either of us it will make everything simpler to deal with, and saves us having to keep updated separate legal agreements for things like our property share and wills to include each other. It also gives us rights in medical emergencies.

I’d had it in the back of my mind for a while, and then a couple of months ago we had a conversation about wills which ended with an agreement marriage was something we were both open to for the future.

Romantic, I know!

Since then the thought has been present, and because I’d been the one so wishy-washy about it in the past, I decided it was up to me to get the ball rolling so we could think about making some plans. One of the many things I love about my fiancé (!) is his patience and that, ever since I told him off for saying “I love you” after a month (it was sweet, but we barely knew each other!), he has let me set the pace for our relationship.

I’ll also admit in the back of my mind I think it’ll help with some guilt over my parents, and my one surviving grandmother, not getting to celebrate any of the traditional milestones. Neither myself, siblings or cousins have married or reproduced. They’re not getting any grand-kids from me so hopefully a small wedding is something! I would like to give my Nan something to look forward to.

But also, so you don’t think I’ve decided on this huge life event through fear and guilt.. I do love my partner very much and absolutely believe we’ll spend the rest of our lives together, and it’ll be nice to make a formal commitment. I know it’ll mean a lot to him!

The decision to ask him was actually easy, which is impressive for me as an Incredibly Indecisive Person. I never make decisions without copious agonising, except about my future with my partner. It was easy to decide to move in together, and it was easy to decide if I was ready to get married.

I wasn’t even nervous to ask, I was just uncomfortable about making such an “out of character” romantic gesture and had to figure out how I was going to do it. As you’ve probably gleaned from this post – romance is not my strong suit. Grand gestures and declarations are not my thing. I needed a comfortable way to ask with minimal need to verbally express my feelings, because I am historically bad at that.

I decided to make a scrapbook! It was the perfect idea because I could prepare it in advance to make sure I included everything I wanted to, and I could just hand it over as a surprise and not have to try to get stressed and awkward over speaking. Plus he loves scrapbooks, I mentioned this when I talked about my new love of scrapbooking – I catch him reading our holiday ones sometimes and it’s very cute!

So that’s what I did! I made a mini scrapbook (I used one like this which was perfect!) with a photo (or photo collage) that expressed memories and reasons I love and appreciate him, with my favourite photo of us at the end with the Big Question written at the end. It took a while to finish because it was hard to find alone time to work on it without seeming suspicious!

I didn’t try to save it for “the perfect time” because that would again add unneeded stress, when I had it  finished I just wanted to do it!

So I took the opportunity when I found him sitting at the dining table waiting for me before our planned day out this weekend, and I handed it over. He was really surprised, and thrilled! He said yes.We sobbed a bit …and then we went to buy cat litter and a new laundry basket!

We celebrated in the evening with our favourite special-occasions-only salted caramel cheesecake GU pots! I didn’t know what to do about an engagement ring (maybe I should have bought some Haribo Supermix for the ring sweets!), so we made some out of the foil lids for now!

I still don’t know if I want a ring nevermind what kind, but that might be a post for another day!

I also have zero ideas about what the actual wedding is going to be other than non-religious and very small! I have a clearer idea of what I don’t want than what I do! I’ve been trying to keep a lid on the host of anxieties inside that box. We put off telling parents to avoid starting those conversations!

This engagement thing is really making me examine my feelings on a lot of traditions, so there might be a flurry of blog posts coming!