It’s been a week since I proposed and we’ve now told all the important and regular people in our lives, and I have to say I’ve been a little surprised by some of the reactions over the fact that I – the woman – proposed to my male partner.
None of the reactions have been negative but there have been a few instances where someone has just not immediately understood that “Alice proposed, and I said yes” means we are now engaged to be married, seemingly because it was me that proposed. When followed by an awkward explanation the announcement ends up feeling uncomfortable and a little underwhelming.
Now I do believe part of that is just that there is only so much enthusiasm one can summon for someone’s engagement – I’m not an effusively enthusiastic person at the best of times, I get it – and I can imagine after the awkward explanation that’s just simply evaporated.
But, we can’t help but feel we are also detecting an undercurrent of misogyny.
I hadn’t really considered how ingrained this idea that it’s the man who proposes still is, in England in 2024. Having faced these confused reactions it makes me feel a little diminished, and that people may have this idea that I had to propose myself out of desperation (especially as we’re mid-thirties), that I’m forcing or rushing my partner before he was ready to ask me.
There is also an added level of awkwardness to our situation too because my partner is divorced, so I’m going to make his second wife. Before encountering this confusion over my proposal I hadn’t really thought much about how people might think of me in that light. In fact this last week has unleashed a host of anxieties in that arena, but something that still needs unpacking.
This misogynistic tradition is actually quite sad. I proposed because I wanted to make a – rare – romantic gesture and demonstrate to my partner how much he means to me. He does so much for me every day, he makes me incredibly happy, and so I wanted to do something for him to show my appreciation. I wanted to be the one with the surprise for once!
Don’t men deserve to feel special and wanted too?!
The vast majority of reactions have been positive, our families and thrilled, especially mine who I don’t think thought this would ever happen! It’s really just been people on the periphery of our lives, the ones that don’t know us both as a couple, that haven’t got it right away.
It’s been quite frustrating that like 4% of reactions have been tinged with this negativity I’ve been sensitive to, and it has made me question my decision, if only for the briefest moment.
But then my partner gave me a very sweet card where he wrote how much it meant to him that I proposed, so I don’t regret doing it at all – I am actually really proud of myself – and I am very excited to be married to him!
![Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir 4/5 stars [The Locked Tomb #1]. I didn’t think this would be for me, and yet... against all the odds (tone, style, characters) ... I LOVED IT?! A surprisingly challenging novel that I already plan to re-read in print.](https://thewallflowerdigest.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/gideon-1-600x600.png)
Since a marriage is a partnership, it should be more a suggestion like ”I think we should be married” (or moving in together) instead of waiting for a proposal.
Exactly, “will you marry me?” isn’t a question anyone should ask if they don’t already know the answer.
We’d talked about marriage a few months ago, we’d agreed we’re on the same page and a proposal just means we’re ready to tell family and start making plans now!
People will always try to force their own views on others. I’m sorry to hear that some reactions have diminished the shine of your news. But at the end of the day it is you and your fiancé that matter. Try to focus on that and ignore the rest
Thanks Nic! It’s just been a little surprising!
I love that you proposed and I love it because it’s authentic to you and your relationship with your partner! It’s the understatement of the millennium to say we have some skewed ideas about relationships, sex, and marriage wired into us as a culture. Most of it is patriarchal bullshit. It all sucks and it goes a long way to explaining why so many people are so unhappy in their relationships. We’re taught to value something that isn’t organic to us as a species or as individuals. It’s really frustrating. So I love what you did because it was right for you and I love that it was also a sign of liberation from all that shit that works to keep us from being happy and being ourselves. So yes, as a guy, I can say we absolutely deserve to be proposed to! And as someone who has his own issues around marriage, I can say I thought your piece about your proposing was very romantic, very thoughtful, and very special because it was so authentic and so true – to you, to your partner, to your relationship! What more can any of us ask for in a relationship? That’s the goal.
To share a short story to underscore this, while I’ve never been married, one of the best kisses of my life came with this woman I was hanging out with when, one night after we’d went out to dinner, she just leaned in and kissed me. She said, “I knew you weren’t going to do that so I had to.” It was so sweet and so romantic and I think about it to this day, how she gave us what we needed when my overanalytical and codependent mind couldn’t’ve gotten to that place to do so on its own. It was a beautiful moment and it was uniquely us, too :).
So GO YOU for proposing and HECK YES that your partner said “yes” and I am so happy for you both!
Thank you for your kind words again!! I don’t ever think of myself as someone who bucks trends or goes against the grain, so I think this attitude (and it was like 3 people who don’t know the both of us) caught me by surprise!
The challenge now is figuring out what a wedding is going to be.. my current favourite idea is eloping for the ceremony, but I haven’t floated that with my family.
I can imagine. And I’m sorry for the little hiccup they put in the celebratory mood. And I think that’s part of what’s so beautiful and so inspiring here! It wasn’t a choice to buck any trend or go against the gran. It was just an authentic, organic, loving reflection of who you are, who your partner is, and who you are as a couple. If we all listened to our hearts as openly and as intuitively, I think we’d all be much happier :).
Eloping sounds like an excellent idea! So I wish you luck there. Hopefully your family digs it, too. Either way, good luck as you plan the shape of your wedding!
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