I turned 38 last week. It was a complete non-event that has bothered me more than it usually does. I’m not one to make a fuss of my birthday, and I’ve certainly rarely been made a fuss of so I’m used to it just being another day but I think this year felt more inconsequential than usual. I think it was ultimately the lack of a birthday cake that did it.
I also just got my period which also explains why I’m more sensitive than usual! I’ve been crap at daily tracking recently so it snuck up on me, so I’d been feeling the feelings instead of letting them float by.
Feeling forgotten this year has set me on the idea of going away for my 40th birthday, just Husband and I. I want it to feel special with no room for anyone else (family) to disappoint me!
I’m conscious I’m sounding down, but I actually did have a nice day on my birthday! Thanks to the weekend we had away – for a friend’s 40th birthday and why no time for Husband to make me a cake, and why I think it didn’t feel like my birthday – plus an extra day off work (so caught up weekend chores), I was in a rare relaxed state and I’d given myself permission to do ‘nothing’ –
- 🌞 I went for a nice relaxed run around the lake. Mid morning mid week is really quiet so it was a treat not to dodge all the slow walkers, dogs, bikes, pushchairs etc that often block the paths at the weekend.
- 🥣 I had delicious breakfast with fresh strawberries, blueberries and peaches with my Fage and muesli. Ok also had a nice picky bits lunch with tortilla chips and guacamole which I very rarely buy!
- 🎮 I played a lot of Librarian: Tidy The Arcane Library completely guilty free (not thinking I’m wasting time on this pointless game!)
- ✏️ I spent some time writing my thoughts on Harrow the Ninth, which was fun because I had time to read other people’s thoughts on it!
Never finishing…
I’m back in one of my frustrated moments where I’m feeling defeated because it never feels like I finish anything. I have so many unfinished thoughts in my head that there is never the time to get back to, and by the time I do it’s faded or flitted away after being pushed out by something new before I got the opportunity to resolve it.
Part of the problem is I have so many interests competing for my time, but I don’t see why that should be a bad thing! I don’t want to stop reading or embroidery or blogging, those are all important to me.
I don’t know if there is any solution to this while I’m still working a full-time job.
I am getting better about handwriting notes and thoughts, which is helping to slow down and unload my brain, but less so with making progress. I just now have rapidly filling notebooks.
I suspect all that I can do is curb my own expectations and somehow feel better about slow progress. I’ve gotten there when it comes to exercise, but mental and creative endeavours mean more to me – and thoughts are so time-sensitive and slippery – and that’s harder to be patient with.
I dream of retirement.
Is my phone a distraction?
I’ve been watching some Cal Newport videos lately, and he advocates for avoiding distractions by staying off your phone and social media as much as possible. I have caught myself wasting time (and my mental health) scrolling Facebook a few times recently (it’s so annoying that running this craft meet up group has meant Facebook returning to my life!) and that was a wake-up to remove the app. Reddit was also a time waste for a bit until I deleted that.
I’m going to think about the pros and cons of removing distracting apps, though for me it’s really just Instagram these days – which I already limit to 30mins – so I don’t think I lose much time to them, but that could be a fun thing to monitor.
I don’t think I am too bad with my phone. Certainly not having spent the weekend with 10 friends and seen how bad some of them are! One friend was constantly lamenting the brain fog and poor memory she has these days while also being on her phone about 75% of the time. I spent an hour with her on a train where she’s constantly checking social media and WhatsApp groups and it was impossible to hold a two-way conversation because it was all about what was happening on the phone.
If anything now I’m itching for reading time with pen and paper more and that’s more difficult to carry about in my pocket! I get more dopamine from that at the moment. And then we’re back to the problem of too many brilliant yet unfinished thoughts! 😂
I know I’ve just got to do what I can do. I do think the fact I am feeling this way is actually fantastic because it means feeding it a better diet of interesting things is resulting in thoughts and ideas and connections.
This post got a bit rambly but I feel better for having written it! Blogging is valuable, processing this to share with strangers on the internet helps me to close off some of my thoughts!
